a chick in Van blogs about stuff

Bob Saget Isn’t Funny.

vanchick — Mon, 23 Jan 2012 03:51:11 +0000

On Friday night J, Ange, Jolene and I took the train out to The River Rock for some Bob Sagety good times. I was REALLY looking forward to it as I’d heard he was super funny and very offensive. Now, maybe my offensive meter has been busted by the supreme Louis C.K. but Bob was not really that bad. He used some bad words but he apologized every time. Maybe he didn’t get a chance to be offensive because I don’t think he told one original joke. Basically the guy stood on stage for about an hour to ramble like a coke head, name drop, talk to some jerks in the audience, remind us he was on Full House, AFHV, and Entourage, sing some unfunny songs, and tell 2 real jokes, both of which weren’t his. Oh, and to make matters worse they stopped bar service before the show. BAH! Ok, he was fun and charismatic – someone you’d want to do shots with at a party, but whoever told him he’d be a great comedian was hammered AND trying to make their way into either of the Olsen Twins pants (or baggy hippy dresses). But, after he tried the first time, how did he survive? How does he sell out theaters? Well, I believe that probably 3/4 of the theater was filled with drunk dumb asses who don’t normally go to comedy but since “it’s the dude from Full House, I heard he says cunt a lot, I just got a new blingy shirt and I was going to the Rock anyway.” they’ll show. And while they’re there they’ll either think it’s funny because they’re not smart or they’ll be to drunk and high to remember how shitty it was or they were one of the people in the audience he chatted with all night (hey Bob, there’s a reason why EVERY OTHER COMIC curbs heckling, it’s NOT FUNNY FOR EVERYONE ELSE. But what about the other 1/4 of the theater? I have a theory, and it’s directly related to how much I like nuts. Ever see people trying roasted chestnuts at Christmas time? There is always someone at those stupid carts, buying stupid chestnuts and making the rest of us think “oh man, I should really try those one day” and then one day you do. And they are fucking disgusting. Just terrible. So you never go back, but too late, as you were buying them 14 other unsuspecting people saw you buying them and thought “look, another normal (or cool, maybe they think cool) chick buying roasted chestnuts, I should really try those sometime” and so the cycle continues. Bob Saget comedy is the equivalent to roasted chestnuts. Just because people go, doesn’t mean you should. Now, the opening dude, Van boy Todd Allen? He was funny! He was like a different kind of nut, one you should try.

You Are Very Star – an Electric Company Theater production, which you’ll have to wait to see…..

vanchick — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 07:58:19 +0000

When David Jordan* implores you via a Facebook status to see a show, you click the link. When the ticket buying process asks “Are you are alone?” and then guides you through a series of seemingly random choices that will determine what show you will see, you show up. Especially if the show is at the HR MacMillan Space Center. So, last Friday, we ate a yumtastic dinner at the Wallflower and then tripped on over to the Space Center for an experience we were unsure of but totally ready to submit to.

First, we were checked in, given a map, and told to speak with Kai. We then lingered in the lobby, noticing random clues that we surmised may or may not be linked to our future experience, as well as the poster for the Laser Floyd show, which we figured we could see if this one was a dud.**

Second, we met Kai. Dressed in scrubs with a Flock of Seagulls hairdo, Kai explained that we were part of a beta test of the show, that we would start in the Star Theater, and that we were to follow her for the rest of the night.

And what a rest of the night it was. Jason and I held hands as we were led into the theater, as we gazed up at the dome, and as we took our journey through the Space Center, and through the mind of Mae.

To make a twisty story straight, and so not to give it away when you go, we followed the main character though one of three paths, which were revealed to be part of her dream.

Our path followed her as a child; ordeals with classmates, caring for and fearing for her ailing mother, a funny but lacking baby sitter, a great idea for getting kids into their PJ’s and a science rocket.

As we followed Kai and the character Mae, we became twisted and intertwined with the other two paths, they becoming characters in our stories and I assume, we becoming characters in theirs.

At the end of it all we met a cowboy, a musician, two lovers, and a mother who tied it all up….or not, as it was a dream sequence after all.

Did I understand it all? No, not by any means. But it made me wonder, and think, and reflect, and imagine. Even thought it was the beta test and there were some technical hitches, I loved the show. It was sad at times, funny at others. It was poinant and poetic and, at the center of everything that didn’t make sense, there was Mae, and the site, which tied everything together.

As I slow danced with David Jordan tonite (It’s already Fringe lottery time, we drew the lucky shows tonite and there was slow dancing) and we decided that, mostly, we had no idea what had happened exactly at the HR McMillan Space Center that night – but that once the show went live we’d be back, and we’d Facebook implore others to attend.***

*Executive Director of the Fringe!

**It wasn’t.

***Stay tuned, once dates come available i’ll let you know! Maybe our experience paths will cross

31 is the New 33 is the New 37.

vanchick — Sat, 23 Jul 2011 07:35:44 +0000

AKA Shots Shots Shots Shots….Everybody!

Where have i been? in love. i know, so cliche, but alas it is true. I have been so enamored and inebriated with the new BF (not so new anymore) that any inspiration went straight into my conversations with him, and not into this blog. I’m ok with that, it’s all ebb and flow, yo.

Tonight tho, i spent with Ange, just two chicks on the town….and my oh my, we felt OLD. Yup, at the ages of 31 and 33 we felt out of place and yet, not ready to give up the ghost, as we watched a band perform at a downtown Vancouver (Granville St) club. It was all we could talk about! Everyone was straight out of high school!! Could they see how old we were as clearly as we could see how young they were?? As we walked home (at what time i’m not sure, but what i can tell you is: it is currently 12:14am and i have 1) went grocery shopping for breakfast in the morning 2) got into my PJ’s 3) emailed my account manager at my bank and 4) checked and commented on quite a few statuses on FB) we deduced I was the tween and Ange was teen of real adults. We came up with a bullet proof theory, that only slightly tipsy people would understand….Relative age according to shots. Do at least one and follow along. At 31 i knew we shouldn’t do shots…but i still instigated it (see previous sentence). At 33 Ange knew she shouldn’t do shots, but she still accepted them. We also knew, from real life example (JBJ and the BF), that this would last until about 36 and then….at 37, we’d be real adults. We would finally, mostly, say no to shots. In the meantime though, we almost got tattoos, of mustaches on our fingers…and that’s all that matters.

And i thought people who wore snuggies didn’t have sex…..

vanchick — Tue, 03 May 2011 15:37:47 +0000

At least i’m still right about gay people not owning snuggies nor having sex in them. Phew.

**Brought to you by lame posts that attempt to make Jenn and Ange happy. Sorry to the other 2 people who read this blog.

Fuck Yeah! It’s My Birthday!

vanchick — Fri, 01 Apr 2011 19:10:42 +0000

If you know me you know i love my birthday. i LOVE my birthday. No, seriously, it’s insane. i LOVE my birthday the way sane people love puppies or their children.

This nutty love affair starts as a gentle hum in January, pretty much after the hubub of JC’s Birthday…..

and the Current Years Birthday have passed. This gentle hum gets louder and louder until the beginning of March when i am beside myself with happiness that it is ALMOST MY BIRTHDAY!!!! In fact, these are the exact words i exclaim, over and over, to and at my friends, family and coworkers for the next 4 weeks. The only time when this outward display of giddiness over….myself…..seems inappropriate is on other people’s birthdays.

So why do i get so excited over my birthday? Is it the fact that i ditch work for a spa day? That i have pie and boozy coffee for breakfast? That there is always a party where i get to see most of my besties? Well the last one is the closest. A few years ago i had my birthday at a restaurant were food and cheer overflowed and i was overcome with love …not just for myself….but for the people who make my life so worth celebrating. That’s what it is, why i love my birthday so much. i love my life and the reasons i love my life are the people i share it with.

Would i enjoy or even do half of the things i enjoy and do without my friends and family? Burlesque fest without several pairs of boobs to stick a carrot in? Fringe without Frunks? India without Car 3? Skid night without my skids? LMFAO without…..LMFAO? Giggling without my girls? And obviously cuddling and sex have been a wee bit better this year

There have been so many fanfuckingtastic moments this year that i can’t even begin to remember them all now….but over the years memories and jokes and moments will remind me, and us of the life we have led together. Jumping (and farting) on beds in Seattle, Hornby Island…the good and the cookie, Say Wha??!?, “Hey Hey Ho Ho Factory Farmings Gots to Go!”, LA Zombie?!? The killer tire was better, “Here’s to honor”, Drunksgiving! Weddings and baby showers. Birthdays and brunches. Dinners and drinks. Plays and concerts, Canucks games and comedy shows. Pedicures.

Thank you to everyone who have shared April 1st 2010 – March 31st 2011 and all of my 31 years with me. It’s because of how rad all of you are that i’m so stoked…

THAT IT’S MY BIRTHDAY!!!!!

Here is where i wanted to insert a photo of me cheerzing you but i don’t have a good one! Don’t get me wrong…there are plenty of photos of me with booze…but i’m either drinking it or have just spilled it on myself…..oh well, i’ll just have to say it.

Cheers! I Loves you!

♥

p.s.

feel free to remind me of rad times in the comments…remember, i’m writing this on several ounces of kahlua and coffee flavored tequila….with only pie (did i mention 2 kinds?) to soak it up…yup, it’s 11:51am and i’m a wee bit tipsy!

Big UPs and Mad Props! What Makes Me Glow, From My Head to My Toes

vanchick — Mon, 24 Jan 2011 05:20:57 +0000

Or actually, from toe to head…

Adrienne is the queen of pedi’s….and i’m sure mani’s and waxi’s and everything else she does but for me it’s all about the toes. From Ninja’s to Mustachioed Bananas, cherries to zebra stripes, Adrienne never hesitates to create 10 little masterpieces for me to love and adore.

Lucia is the namesake of this salon on Broadway (and now open downtown!) and boy howdy does this lady know how to rock a Brazilian. The first time i went all bare down there i was nervous as hell, but Lucia was warm, gracious, funny, and above all…fast! Even while humming a tune, telling jokes, stopping to gaze at the ceiling to remember a thought, Lucia has you in and out within 15 minutes, you barely (hehe) have time to get nervous or feel pain! And although the Queen herself is my favorite she has trained many other women in the art of the….rip. Check them out, you won’t be sorry!

I ♥ The Y

1) The facility is enormous, and clean. Also you can pay to have a tote to leave your shoes there so you don’t have to carry them around. The only downside? After months i sill get lost in the change rooms. 2) The classes are fab! From Dancefit with Johanna Ward to Cardio Kickboxing to my personal fave Yin Yoga with Angie, there is something for everyone. 3) Free nuts and appreciation! Sometimes in the lobby there is a big sign that says “We appreciate you!” with little cups of nuts and berries. How sweet. 4) The staff is fun, friendly, and energetic. 5) Everyone goes to the Y, except gym monkeys! From skinny yoga bum girls to middle aged ladies, to old men who love Johanna’s class, everyone fits in. Except creepy over muscled dudes with bad tans! Too bad

So far every facial i have had at Skoah has been amazing. I will continue to come here for several reasons. The ambiance strikes a wonderful balance between warm and inviting and clean and clinical. They say they’re not “spa-y” but the rooms are warm and cozy and have soft music playing. The products (if you can get over the fact that they replace all their C’s with K’s) smell amazing and really work. They make a point of encouraging loyalty. The last time i was there i was given a free shampoo sample and every time you re-book within 2 months you receive money off product. Also they send you a thank you email the day after your treatment. They don’t push the products on you the way some spas do. They simply make recommendations and leave you be. The staff and business really seem to care about healthy glowing skin. It’s apparent from the obviously knowledgeable staff and the quality of the products. And last…the messages…mmmmm the massages…..

Yes she is one of my bestest besties but when i say Josie is a hair goddess i mean it. She took a gawd awful head of thick frizzy choppily colored mess and has transformed it time and time again. From black to blond to red, with every color highlight of the rainbow. From extensions to shaved designs Josie helps me show my creativity through my hair. If it wasn’t for her collaboration i wouldn’t be nearly as fulfilled as a person as i am.

So those are the businesses and the people who make me feel pretty from top to bottom. Thanks Ya’ll!

If I Could Have a Superpower It Would Be…

vanchick — Thu, 20 Jan 2011 08:12:42 +0000

psychically determining if an avocado is good or not.

Seriously! Is it not the ultimate disappointment to find out the avocado that seemed so perfectly squishy yet firm is in fact all mushy and brown inside??? Does it not make your heart sing to open an avacado and find a perfectly green and easily cuttable interior? And on the same token does it not break your heart to think an avocado is ripe and ready and instead find the dead and hopeless remains of an avocado past its due date?

I rest my case.

Golden Globes! Winners and Losers..sorry, i meant happy just to be nominated-ers.

vanchick — Mon, 17 Jan 2011 06:27:40 +0000

Well, it’s been a busy couple of weeks! Thank goodness the BF is out of the country or else i may have been to distracted to getter done!

Golden Globe Nominees (I’ve bolded all the ones i’ve seen)
BEST MOTION PICTURE, DRAMA
Black Swan
The Fighter
Inception
The King’s Speech
The Social Network
Van Chick and Ange: The Kings Speech
GG’s: The Social Network (so not cool, i am assuming the Oscars will make a better choice….)

BEST ACTRESS, MOTION PICTURE DRAMA
Halle Berry, Frankie and Alice
Nicole Kidman, Rabbit Hole
Jennifer Lawrence, Winter’s Bone
Natalie Portman, Black Swan
Michelle Williams, Blue Valentine
Van Chick, Ange, and GG’s: Natalie Portman

BEST ACTOR, MOTION PICTURE DRAMA
Jesse Eisenberg, The Social Network
Colin Firth, The King’s Speech
James Franco, 127 Hours
Ryan Gosling, Blue Valentine
Mark Wahlberg, The Fighter
Ange: Ryan Gosling
Van Chick and GG’s: Colin Firth (yay!)

BEST MOTION PICTURE, COMEDY / MUSICAL
Alice in Wonderland
Burlesque
The Kids Are All Right
Red
The Tourist
Van Chick, Ange, GG’s: The Kids Are Alright

BEST ACTRESS, MOTION PICTURE COMEDY / MUSICAL
Annette Benning, The Kids Are All Right
Anne Hathaway, Love and Other Drugs
Angelina Jolie, The Tourist
Julianne Moore, The Kids Are All Right
Emma Stone, Easy A
Vanchick: Emma Stone (what’s up with the new look?!?!)
Ange and GG’s: Annette Benning

BEST ACTOR, MOTION PICTURE COMEDY / MUSICAL
Johnny Depp, Alice in Wonderland
Johnny Depp, The Tourist
Paul Giamatti — Barney’s Version
Jake Gyllenhaal, Love and Other Drugs
Kevin Spacey — Casino Jack
Van Chick: Kevin Spacey
GG’s: Paul Giamatti

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESSS, MOTION PICTURE DRAMA
Amy Adams, The Fighter
Helena Bonham-Carter, The King’s Speech
Mila Kunis, Black Swan
Melissa Leo, The Fighter
Jackie Weaver, Animal Kingdom
Van Chick: Helena BC
Ange: Amy Adams
GG’s: Melissa Leo

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR, MOTION PICTURE DRAMA
Christian Bale, The Fighter
Michael Douglas, Wall Street 2
Andrew Garfield, The Social Network
Jeremey Renner, The Town
Geoffrey Rush, The King’s Speech
Van Chick, Ange, and GG’s: Christian Bale. Who i didn’t know was English?!?! is that possible?

Well, good show. Except for one small category, best picture, i wasn’t disappointed.

Highlights:

Helena BC rolling her eyes at Melissa Leo
Angelina Jolie making a crazy face and then turning away from the camera
Ricky calling Tom Cruise gay
Natalie Portman laughing like a dorky hyena
Tilda Swinton
Robert Deniro making a slightly off color remark about the waitstaff being illegal?
Marky Mark and Kevin Spacey randomly onstage, were they producers or just wanted to get up there?
Sandra Bullocks face. Wow hun, out of the 2 ways you have chosen to deal with your divorce i only agree with one. Screwing Scarlett Johansson’s hot hubby. Please stay away from the scalpel.

Am i missing anything? Now we wait for the Oscars to be announced on the 27th!

Buzz Me Some Breaky: Friday, It’s ALL Good

vanchick — Mon, 17 Jan 2011 01:08:19 +0000

So this is the last smoothie of the week and it’s a whopper. I was looking for something to give me energy in the AM besides coffee. Brought to you by incrediblesmoothies.com the Morning Energy Green Smoothie or Megs as i like to call it for short is not short on goodness. Here it is, with the health benefits of everything in it. If you drank this every day you’d be machine.

MEGS!

– 1 whole banana, peeled
Reducing Depression, Anemia, Constipation and Diarrhea, Eyesight Protection, Healthy Bones, Healthy Kidney, Blood Pressure, Heartburn, Morning Sickness, Quitting Smoking, Ulcers, Nerve, Mosquito Bites
Stress Relief, Stroke Risk

– 1 whole kiwi, peeled
Prevents Asthma, Prevents wheezing and coughing, especially in children, Protects our DNA from mutations, Provides a healthy amount of antioxidants and vitamins, Helps prevent colon cancer thanks to a high fiber content

– 1/3 cup Goji berries
Nourish blood, Kidney & liver tonic, Improve vision, Enhance libido, Calm nervous system, Improve physical endurance, Promote longevity

– 1/4 cup raw Cacao nibs (or 1/8 cup Cacao powder)
It acts as a stimulant, so that the energy level in your body will receive a boost and you will feel better about yourself. It can also help to reduce chronic fatigue and general weakness caused by stress. Strengthen your cardiovascular system. Regulate your sleep. Reduce depression. Protect your body from carcinogens and free radicals that cause cancer. Stimulate your immune system.

– 1 stalk of celery
Contains vitamin C and several other active compounds that promote health, including phthalides, which may help lower cholesterol, and coumarins, that may be useful in cancer prevention.

– 1 cup fresh parsley, packed
Raw parsley cleanses the blood, keeping it clean, It can lessen the deposits left on the veins. Allows the elasticity of the blood vessels to stay the way they are. Treat temporary deafness and ear infections.

– 1 cup fresh baby spinach, packed
Prevent atherosclerosis or thickening and hardening of arteries. Stabilize blood sugar among diabetics. Antioxidant and anti-cancer agent. Vitamins C and A. Anti-aging vegetable. Vitamin K, which aids in the formation of the blood substance required for clotting of blood.

– 6-8 ounces of water (or coconut water)
– 2-3 ice cubes to chill if desired
– 1 scoop hemp or rice protein powder (optional)

Put all ingredients in a blender and blend on high until smooth.

Cacao nibs and Goji berries will need to be ground up in a food processor or coffee grinder before adding to the blender if you are not using a high-end machine.

Makes approximately 20 ounces.

Nutrition Information

Calories: 483
Fat: 15.8 grams
Protein: 13.5 grams
Carbohydrates: 67 grams
Calcium: 24% daily value (DV)
Iron: 348% DV
Vitamin A: 318% DV
Vitamin C: 333% DV

Adding a scoop of protein powder will increase both the protein and calories. Check the label.

If you use the meat and water from a young, Thai coconut, you will increase the calories by about 140, fat by 3 grams, protein by 2 grams, carbs by 28 grams and add an additional 17% DV of calcium bringing the smoothie to a total of 41% DV of calcium!

WOW! And while it looked like baby poo and your cubicle mates may laugh at you, this was an amazingly healthy, pretty good tasting way to start the day. Well that’s it kids. Hope you enjoyed my foray into the world of the smoothie!

Warning! New Zodiac Can Make You a Douche Bag!

vanchick — Sun, 16 Jan 2011 06:06:27 +0000

So apparently there is a possibility everything we know and believe in is bunk. I’m not talking the existence of Christ, i’m talking whether or not your compatible with your boyfriend. Astrology. I’m not here however to discuss the new sign, i’m writing for a much more important reason. Forget about becoming a serpent holder or whatever the eff the 13th sign is, watch out for becoming a jerk to your friends!

Conversation i had today with 2 of my best girl friends:

Van Chick: “There is no way i’m a pussy water sign like Pisces”
C: “Yeah, Pisces are said to be loners….”
J: “Fuck you guys, i’m a Pisces!”

Oops. But proof the new zodiac is bunk. Here is a description of Pisces:

Imaginative and sensitive
Compassionate and kind
Selfless and unworldly
Intuitive and sympathetic
Escapist and idealistic
Secretive and vague
Weak-willed and easily led

And now Aries:

Adventurous and energetic
Pioneering and courageous
Enthusiastic and confident
Dynamic and quick-witted
Selfish and quick-tempered
Impulsive and impatient
Foolhardy and daredevil

A sensitive Pisces would never have inadvertently called her friend a pussy. This was obviously the work of an impulsive Aries.

Anyway, here are the new signs, what do you think?

Capricorn: Jan. 20 – Feb. 16
Aquarius: Feb. 16 – March 11
Pisces: March 11- April 18
Aries: April 18- May 13
Taurus: May 13- June 21
Gemini: June 21- July 20
Cancer: July 20- Aug. 10
Leo: Aug. 10- Sept. 16
Virgo: Sept. 16- Oct. 30
Libra: Oct. 30- Nov. 23
Scorpio: Nov. 23- Nov. 29
Ophiuchus: Nov. 29- Dec. 17
Sagittarius: Dec. 17- Jan. 20