Vegan Cruelty Free Makeup! Woo Hoo!

That is more kick ass than hippy dippy, me loves!  I haven’t tried it yet but when i do i’ll letcha know if it’s as rad as it looks.

Medusa’s Makeup, check it!

XOXO

Hot Tub Suck Machine

An open letter to Judd Apatow:

Dear Sir,

It is not often that i feel i can speak on behalf of mankind, but on this i feel i can….nay, i must.  PLEASE remake Hot Tub Time Machine.  The concept was brilliant, a muther effin hot tub time machine for muther effin sakes!  Alas the delivery was so lacking a wanted to weep at the lost potential.  As a god of funny i implore you to take this idea and make it your own, then release it to the people so that we can live in a world where a movie based on a muther effin hot tub time machine is funny.  I want to live in that world Judd.  I have full faith in your abilities but if i could make a few casting suggestions; Paul Rudd as the character John Cusack played (i’m sorry John, i still love you for lots of other reasons), Jonah Hill as the nephew, you can keep the Daily Show guy because he was ok, i’m not sure who as the Office dude’s character (i am sorry, he is also sucking the funny out of Last Comic Standing) i’ll let you decide, and Will Farrell as Chevy Chase.  Just some thoughts.

Do it for the people Judd.  We are counting on you.

Much props and big ups,

Vanchick

P.S.

I only watched have of the original and then fell asleep, perhaps it get’s better but i am pretty sure not.  If you, as a god of funny think it was actually ok let me know and i’ll watch the other half.

P.P.S.

You should also cast your wife because she’s hot and funny and rad.  Thanks again.

Zucchini Noodles! ZUCCHINI NOODLES!!!!

Most of the time is super sucks to be wheat intolerant.  I am still trying to cure myself as i really love me some pasta, bread, and the gravy from the fry place up the street (“Wheat no meat!”), but sometimes it forces me to get creative, like tonite!  I present to you….

Raw Zucchini Fettucini!

For the noodles you will need 4 zucchini’s and a spiral veggie slicer.  This thing is the bomb!  It makes all sorts of fun veggie slices, including long spirally noodles, curly fries, and more.  Plus it’s easy to use and to clean which is rad.  I got mine at Health on the Drive on Commercial.

After you have made your kick ass noodles (which literally takes about 5 minutes) you should have yourself a sword fight with the cores and make lots of dirty comments.

Next the sauce, from the class Josie and i took at the Raw Foundation Culinary Arts Institute:

3/4 Cups cashew pieces

3/4 cups pine nuts

2 tbs lemon juice (use real lemons and ream them with a reamer, which also gives you a chance to make dirty references galore)

2 cloves garlic

2 tsp Nama Shoyu (raw soya sauce, expensive but better for you than regular…i used Braggs tho, which is also awesome too)

2 tbs water

pinch black pepper

Put everything into a food processor and blend until you have a paste, then work into the noodles with your hands.  At this point try to be mature and rid yourself of previous dirty thoughts, instead think lovely happy thoughts and infuse this into the pasta through your hands.  Hippy dippy but what can it hurt?!?

Viola!

Is J a Pussy and Dead To Agroboy? Only Time Will Tell….

Hey West Enders, Vanchick here, your one and only source into the drunken antics of Vancouver’s upper middle class.  What woke me from my beauty sleep last night?  Seems Agroboy had a bit too much to drink and was taking it out on his friends.  That’s not very nice Agroboy, who will give you a ride home?  J was trying to keep the peace, as he always does, but it wasn’t until girl #1 ran over and yelled “leave or i’ll cut your face” that Agroboy really started to take notice.  And poor girl #2, trying to stay out of it and obviously not calling the cops like she should have.  Silly girl!  Maybe she tried to get in touch but didn’t know if the cop shop accepted text’s.  All’s well that ends well as Agroboy finally rode off into the night, on his bike.  Don’t worry West Enders, if he had tried to drive Vanchick would have called the police, she knows the number.

XoXo Vanchick

So You Think You Can Dance: 1 of 11 Voted Off

I have NEVER been more grateful to my PVR…EVER.  Yup, i’m talking about having the ability to fast forward through the Justin Beiber video.  Thank god for that. The other entertainment was pretty good.  i also skipped Usher.  i like the song, but i have raw, vegan 1 bite brownies to make tonite so i just didn’t have the time time t0 spare!  The Twyla Tharp dance was pretty awesome, i love seeing really mature professional dancers.  I have to admit though that lots of the contestants this year stack up pretty close!  Oh and Cat’s dress made me crave butterscotch….mmmmm, blingy, blond butterscotch……

Ok onto the results.  Alexie, Melinda, and Christina in the bottom 3.  Makes sense, they all under performed.  Melinda because she’s cold as ice (as Nigel commented, a tad more nice that me), Alexie because she was nothing but cute, and Christina because SHE’S NOT THAT GOOD!  Sheesh.  Anyway, i was hoping Christina would be gone, shocker i know.  Alexie has wanted this so bad and it was her first show, i wanted her to have another chance.  Melinda could stay or go, but i think she at least has more talent than Christina, even if she does have horrible legs (agreed with Mia upon replay).  But no, Alexie is gone…in my opinion because there are other contemporary girls but no other tapper or ball room.  Erg, i hate that.  But i still love the show, they just better not play any Jonas Brothers on an upcoming episode.  Seriously.

Bye bye Alexie, good luck hocking your cute ass elsewhere, i’m sure you’ll have plenty of buyers.

So You Think You Can Dance: The Top 11 Perform

A few things first.  Cat, once again, is amazing and i want to marry her.  Mia; if she is now a full time judge will there be less of her choreography?  Did she wasn’t to be a judge and that’s what last years drama was all about?  Also her hair is still radical.

On to the dances.

Billy.  Blah.  I am so underwhelmed by this guy and his first dance did nothing to change my mind.  I have nothing more to say.  Except good luck in your career as a spokesperson for Proactive.

Christina. She’s my least favorite girl because i just don’t think she’s that great outside of her own style and i only think she’s there to represent ballroom.  i was however excited to see her and Mark do a Sonya routine.  I wonder if Sonya got to pick Mark?  i imagine them as lovers, spending their days dancing and bouncing on beds and having hot sex.  And yes Mark killed it.  Christina though kind of ruined it for me.  She was too stiff and her face was retarded.  Nigel is on crack.  Mia is on crack (oh wait she mentioned the retarded face), and good for Mia and Nigel…they are sharing the crack with Adam.

Jose: Sometimes i really feel like this show is rigged. Don’t get me wrong, nothing could stop my love for the show…but Jose with Comfort, choreographed by Nap and Tabs?!?  Something’s fishy.  Ok, i don’t care….that was rad!  Jose is the bomb!   I love how Nigel always points out that B-Boying is not the same as hip hop to give some props.  The only thing i thought they would say but didn’t was how he was a great partner as Comfort had no fear when leaping at him.  Those leaps where the chick smashes into the guy and he catches her are one of my fave things about this show.  And Cat.

Adachike: Paired with my favorite from last year Katherine.  Dancing to a Travis routine.  Stoked…..and waiting for one of the judges to say how proud they are of Travis.  When it started i was extra stoked because of the music, Florence i love you!  But….no chemistry and no feeling from Adachike.  Nigel has come down from the crack which is good.  Mia also nailed it, no chemistry even though Katherine was making it work big time.  And Adam has also come down.  Phew.  Don’t pick up the pipe again judges.  And….what a difference Ada(chike) does not make. uh huh huh huh.

Melinda: I don’t know how i feel yet about this chick.  Let’s see what happens with Abs McGee.  Well, he was awesome, of course.  She was not.  Ehhh, i did not like that at all.  At least she has her career in everything else to fall back on.  Oh, and she didn’t get Cat’s joke while she was sucking up.  Hmm….she falls below Christina now for me.

Alex: Two Sonya routines in one night?!?!  Yippee Skippy!  Standing ovation!?!  Really?  I guess i was distracted by the god awful outfits.  Ok, what?  New standard for SYTYCD?  By the miracle of the PVR i need to rewind and re-watch.  Hang on.  Ok, this time i was distracted by the all star who i don’t remember’s mouth hanging open the whole time but yes that was pretty great.  And Alex was awesome.  I didn’t love it as much as some of my other faves from previous years but it was pretty damn rad.

Alexie: How cute are you?!?!  How awesome (and hot) is Twitch?!?!  How could there be no chemistry??!?!  And yup, the judges are right, Alexie was too cute and didn’t get drrrrrty enough.  On another note i have been thinking of rocking some fake glasses and Twitch has inspired me 😉

Lauren: My fave all through Vegas, she reminds me of Katherine from last year.  She’s hugely talented but also has the personality to match.  Ok….DID YOU SEE THAT KICK JUMP OFF THE COUCH?!?!?  WOW!  Oh sorry Nigel, it was a split lift.  Anyway, i also agree that it was meh.  I am concerned that being with the all stars is going to a) ruin the chemistry that i love to see develop between dance partners and b) make the dancers way to nervous to fill in those spaces that everyone is talking about.  Hmm.

Kent: IS ADORABLE!  Oh my gosh.  Here’s my critique, after he already critiqued himself.  His steps were ok but he wasn’t strong enough as a man or a partner. What he did do however is what the judges have wanted in the last few people, he filled in the spaces!  AHH..why aren’t they replaying the Jessica Rabbit move they are all saying was so bad?!!?  Rewind….hmmm…i didn’t see it, or i guess i didn’t think it was that bad.  This dance made me miss Mary 😦

Ashley: Oh yeah, i forgot about you.  Oh no, here we go….paired with the Amazing Neil (who is looking a little more grown up and hotter than last we saw him) for contemporary….should be good.  Well, i’m sorry she was ok but she totally bores me.  I would have liked to have seen that with Lauren.

Last but not least Robert: Something America may not know about me is that i am even on this show.  He was totally ignored in Vegas, i think so they could pull off the surprise “top 11” revelation.  i’m excited to see what he can do.  Because he’s a hottie.  Wow, that was really cool, i really like African jazz.  Let’s see what the judges have to say.  Ok, how cute was that thing between Mia and Robert.  Yup, agreed. lol <– this makes no sense as i read it back.  but i’m not changing it.  so there.

Ok, so here we are, top 11.  I’m not going to predict as i suck as predictions, i have lost every pool i have ever entered.  And i don’t yet know my faves.  What i do know is that i love Cat, wasn’t sure if you knew that.

Being Sick Sucks

i thought i’d update this post with what i do to cure myself when i’m sick, in case you care.  skip to the bottom if you’ve already read this post.

So i’m home from work with a cold and there is absolutely nothing entertaining about it.  So why blog?  This in on the request of one of my BFF’s Jenn who said “you’re sick, blog about it!”.  Since i’d do almost anything for that chick, here goes.

Reasons Why Being Sick Sucks (other than the obvious):

1. I am a jack ass.  i go around work and to my friends constantly talking about how i never get sick.  And it’s true, i almost never do.  When i do though, i fully expect everyone to comment on what a douche i am and how i deserve it.

2. I have to miss work.  Since i was a kid i hated the idea that i would be letting anyone down and have carried that into adult hood.  Not only do i feel like a bag of shit, i feel guilty as fuck about it.  Sorry about all the swearing.

3. I can’t show off my rad hair.  Last night Josie and i shaved half of the underside of my hair, bleached the patch blond, and painted leopard print onto it.  Josie is a goddess, it looks hot as hell, and no one is going to see it until i am well enough to leave my apartment.

4. I have no capacity to be funny.  Jenn, if a first time visitor arrives, only reads this and never returns it’s all your fault.

Things To Do When You’re Sick:

1. Catch up on your PVR.  Are you guys watching Good Guys?  It’s effing awesome!  Bradley Whitford and his ‘stache are are hilarious.  Colin Hanks is annoying as ever but he’s growing on me as the straight man.  So press stop and delete on the Bachelorette and check out this new show.  You won’t be sorry.

2. Make soup.  Why do we want soup when we’re sick?  Is it just because we’ve been brainwashed into thinking we should?  And what if you don’t eat chicken?  With all these questions whizzing around my mind i put together the best sick soup ever.  Veg stock, chipotle peppers in adobe, LOTS of chopped garlic, lentils, smoked paprika, and vermicelli noodles = a meal that is going to kick this colds ass.

3. Watch movies.  Currently on my list to “go rent at the video store” are: Hot Tub Time Machine, Happy Tears, and When in Rome.  A little dumb comedy, some sappy chick flick (starring the ass kicking Parker Posey) and what looks to be an uber lame RomCom.  I’ll review the first one that comes in.  At the video store.

4. Take massive amounts of Cold FX.  Ok guys, I am very upset.  I have been on the Cold FX (or the cheaper store version at Shoppers) band wagon since it came out and attribute my jack ass never sick thing to it’s miracle powers.  Yesterday when I went to the store to get some i read the label (why?!?!  because some people have been telling me i shouldn’t rely on it, to which i say “it’s just echinacae which is an immune booster”) and i wanted to be sure since it’s been awhile since i read the label) and what do i see??!  GELATIN.  Jesus fuck.  And really, of course it has gelatin, it’s a gel cap.  Erg.  In case you aren’t aware vegan’s don’t use gelatin because it is made from horse hooves (and neither should you because that is sick).  So now i am going to have to find another version of Jesus’ own magic pill to cure what ails me.  Have faith though.  As with the vegan chocolate covered raisins i found to pour into my movie popcorn, i will be victorious!

5.  Have a nap.  Which is what i am going to do now as i see one of my movies should be in at the “video store” in approximatly 1 hour.  Oh wait, 58 minutes.  Nope, 1 hour and 4 min.

How To Cure Yourself:

1. Think positive.  Just kidding, fuck that.  Wallow in your misery and whine to all who see you.

2. Vitamin C.  If you don’t have any oranges than go with lemon water.  Lemon’s are great for many things including curing colds.  This website is good, you just have to get past the pretentious points like “…gently applied to the nostrils could stop epistaxis (more commonly known as nose bleeds)…”  Then just effing say nose bleeds beeatch!

3. Garlic: I am obsessed with garlic when i am sick.  I have been known to eat up to 10 cloves in one sick day.  Today i am at 3 but after dinner i’ll round out at about 8.  Also being sick is the best time to eat shit tonnes of garlic because you’re not going anywhere so who cares if you stink?!?

4. Lots and lots of Cold FX.  Unless you’re vegan.  Erg.

5. Water and sleep.  Just like your mamma told ya.

The moral of this story is don’t read the labels.

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